God of Small Things
by Marie de Sade
Summary: When Castiel finds himself human Michael keeps him locked up hoping that he might be of use against the Winchesters. When Lucifer attacks Michael he finds Castiel beneath the rubble from the battle. Bringing Castiel with him but finds Castiel's memory of him has been skewed from heaven's influence yet Castiel slowly comes to realize that not everything he's been told has been true
1. Chapter 1

Dying didn't hurt the way Castiel had expected. It wasn't pleasant, of course, but for something humans spent their entire lives worrying about he had imagined it to be a lot worse. Perhaps it was because Raphael had obliterated him; one second he was there and the next he just wasn't. It was a difficult thing to process, even for an angel, to realize you simply didn't exist anymore. Of course, that led to the interesting question of how a supposedly non-existent Castiel was thinking about anything at all.

"You're going to sleep the whole day away, Castiel." His eyes snapped open, the bright light nearly blinding him as he jumped to his feet. No longer was he in Chuck's house, about to face an archangel, but instead, he found himself back in the Green Room. He spun around to find someone lounging on one of the couches. Castiel knew he had to be an angel but he couldn't immediately tell who. The angel locked eyes with him, a tiny smile on his lips, and it suddenly clicked which of his brothers it was.

"Michael?" Castiel asked confused.

"I was worried you might not recognize me, given your…condition." Michael's eyes racked up and down Castiel's form, lips twisted down in mild disappointment.

"Condition?" Castiel questioned. He looked down at his hands – his vessel's skin showed no signs of the damage it had received at the hands of Raphael's wrath. "What…what's going on?"

"It seems whoever glued you back together missed a few pieces." Michael answered. Castiel simply stared at him blankly. Michael sighed and shook his head at his little brother. "You're human, Castiel."

"No."

"Unfortunate, I know."

"That's not possible."

"Evidently, it is."

"But I didn't…You can't just lose your grace," Castiel insisted. "You have to cut it out, or die, it doesn't-"

"You did die," Michael interrupted. "It was rather messy too; the Winchester's found you splattered around the prophet's walls."

"Sam and Dean are they…"

"Intact? For now yes, though I don't know how long they'll remain like that with Lucifer running around."

"So we failed."

"Don't look at it like that. Really, there was no way you were ever going to succeed." Michael rose to his feet and stretched. Castiel looked at Michael's vessel. It certainly wasn't Dean's; the only person who was supposed to contain Michael's grace.

"John Winchester," he offered as an explanation, sweeping a hand up his chest as if admiring his vessel's fine craftsmanship. "I need a temporary vessel while I wait for Dean. John didn't mind, not after his unit got caught up in a hail of gunfire. Vietnam wasn't quite the easy battle he had been hoping for, though, technically he had wandered into Laos at that point."

"I don't understand," Castiel said.

"Laos is a country next to-"

"No, not that," Castiel snapped but lowered his voice at the harsh look Michael sent him. "I don't understand why I'm here, why I'm…"

"You're here because you've made a series of bad choice, you've disobeyed orders, and you've sided with the Winchesters to try to stop a battle we've been waiting for since before they discovered the wheel."

"Millions will die during your war."

"Millions die every single day; you're missing the big picture." Michael kept his cool even while confronted with Castiel's continued insubordination, his eyes stony despite the calm façade he tried to mimic. "As to how you're standing here today, I can admit, I have absolutely no idea. Raphael is certain that there should be no possible chance that you were able to walk away from your little encounter. God, Lucifer, reapers, whoever or whatever brought you back, it doesn't really matter. All that matters is that I have a use for you."

"What could you possible want with me?"

"Let's just say I have certain back up plans in case Sam and Dean need convincing when it comes to playing their part."

"You can't use me against them," Castiel scoffed.

"Perhaps," Michael leaned against the table next to Castiel and crossed his arms over his chest. "Perhaps they won't be willing to give up anything for one fallen angel but you're simply one pawn on an entire chessboard."

Castiel flinched at the word fallen and turned away from his brother. He eyed the paintings that covered the walls of a room that, not long ago, he had used to lock Dean up in and thought bitterly that the tables had certainly turned. His gaze fell upon the portrait of Michael defeating the dragon; it reminded Castiel that the archangel would gladly step on any of his brothers in pursuit of his mission. "So I'm just supposed to be imprisoned here until you find a use for me?"

"I think most prisoners don't have the luxuries you have here." Michael grabbed Castiel's shoulder and forced him to turn around. "You  
should be thanking me. If I hadn't brought you here, all of heaven and hell would have been after you."

"You'll forgive me if I don't show my gratitude."

Michael smiled at him, though Castiel wasn't foolish enough to think that Michael was being anything but patronizing. "I'll be seeing you soon."

Michael disappeared, off to fight the war he'd started, leaving Castiel alone to try and grasp his new situation.

Being human was harder than Castiel had thought. It was as though he were living under a whole new schedule – he had to remember to sleep, had to remember to eat and even just knowing the difference between being sick and being hungry was a difficult task. Logistically, he knew the human body needed seven to nine hours of sleep, but he was often too high strung to remember and even when he did, the experience of actually falling asleep was absolutely terrifying. He'd begin to drift off and jolt awake as his mind fended off what was happening; he'd wake up gasping for air not sure what was the nightmare and what was the waking world.

Some days, Castiel just collapsed from exhaustion.

Food would come a few times a day. Sometimes, it was just suddenly there when Castiel turned around, other times, angels brought it, all the while keeping their eyes to the ground and ignoring Castiel completely. He didn't eat the first day, but the next morning, he hesitantly sipped at the soup he was left and promptly burnt his tongue. The feeling was unpleasant enough that he ignored all the other plates of food for the next few days. Eventually, though, he couldn't ignore the pain in his stomach and he finally broke down and ate. But it turned out the human body didn't just have an on-off for hunger and by the time Castiel's body told him to stop eating he had consumed far more than he should have.

He didn't eat anything for the next two days. The very idea of eating made his stomach turn with the memory of the pain he had felt the last time he ate. Apparently, he was so ill adept of caring for himself that Michael decided to make an appearance.

"You need to eat," Michael said, appearing in front of Castiel with a plate full of noodles. "Here, they're from Florence."

"I'm not hungry," Castiel mumbled. Michael ignored him and dropped the plate down on the table. It clattered and sent a few of the noodle tumbling over the side, leaving a trail of sauce behind. The angel stabbed a fork into the centre of the heap and pushed it towards  
Castiel expectantly. "I said no."

"Castiel," Michael sighed.

"I don't like this."

"How would you know? You've never even had it." Castiel didn't reply. He fixed his gaze on the tiles by his feet and crossed his arms over his chest. Michael frowned and he picked up the fork and held it up like a parent trying to feed a stubborn child. "You need to eat."

"I'm not hungry," he repeated.

"Fine," Michael snapped. He stuck the fork back in to the noodles and picked up the plate. "Starve for all I care."

Castiel knocked the plate over but Michael had already flown off again.

Castiel had no concept of days in the Green Room. It was always bright and there were no windows for him to chart the sun's movements. He had no idea if he'd been there a few weeks or a few months but he'd long given up any hope that he was going to be released. With nothing but his own increasingly fractured mind to keep him occupied all those days, Castiel was sure he would go insane any day.

"I can't be wasting my time trying to keep you alive." Castiel didn't even bother to turn and look at Michael, he just gripped the tiny pillow he was holding and stared stubbornly ahead.

"Leave me alone."

"Oh, is that any way to treat your host?" Castiel could hear the mirth in Michael's voice, but it only infuriated Castiel more. "Humanity doesn't seem to be treating you well."

"They should have just left me dead."

"So morbid, little one," Michael chastised. He stood next to the couch and Castiel finally glanced up at him.

"Brother," Castiel whispered pathetically. "Please, I can't stand this."

"I'm afraid I can't let you go until I'm done with you," Michael said with something close to, but not quite. sympathy.

"Just not here," Castiel clarified and sat up. "This place is driving me mad."

"There isn't anywhere else to put you." Michael shook his head. "No one but me will tolerate you."

"Please," Castiel tried again. Michael rolled his eyes and turned, Castiel quickly reached out and grabbed him. "Michael-"  
Castiel was thrown back, hitting the couch and knocking it down so that they both tumbled over. Dazedly, Castiel rose to his feet and clutched his head, at first thinking that Michael had been the one to toss him aside but he found that Michael looked just as confused as he was.

"Did you do that?" Castiel asked even though he already knew he hadn't.

"That's not possible," Michael said more to himself then to Castiel. He looked up to the ceiling as the whole room began to shake. "No one else knows about this place."

Michael walked towards the door, steps slow and calm even as the table suddenly flew across the room. It was almost as though an earthquake was tearing the room apart but Castiel knew there were only a handful of creatures capable of breaking through the Green Room's defences and with a sick feeling he realized who was the most likely canadate.

"What's going on?!" Castiel shouted. The walls shook harder and harder, statues fell and crumbled while the paintings were ripped from their hooks. Castiel instinctively went to Michael's side. The angel stood still with his lips turned in a sneer.

"Dammit," he bit out, fists clenched at his side.

"Michael! What's happening?" Castiel grabbed his brother's arm but the angel just pushed him away, sending him tumbling to the ground. Castiel cried out as his elbow slammed against the stone tile and the broken bits of the statues tore into his skin.

"This is too soon." Michael's voice was barely a whisper and Castiel strained to hear it. "What is he thinking?"

"What's too soon?" Castiel tried asking again, though he had given up hope of Michael ever answering. He pushed himself up and cradled his injured arm, pulling out a particularly large shard from his skin. Michael shot him a sideways look, eyes tinged with the blue white of his grace that grew brighter and brighter until it began to burn just to look at him. Castiel threw an arm up to shield his eyes and then the ringing started, whoever was on the other side of those walls was speaking in a way that Castiel couldn't understand anymore.  
Castiel ducked down to the ground, attempting to block out both the overwhelming noise and painful light and failing miserable. He heard a loud crack; their attacker had broken through whatever barrier Michael had put up.

Thankfully, that was when he passed out.


	2. Chapter 2

Castiel, again, found himself waking up stiff and sore, lying on a too soft couch covered in smooth velvet. Humans spent thousands of dollars on such furniture, and yet Castiel would sooner chop it up and set it ablaze than sleep on them another night. Despite heaven's attempt to make his cage pretty and comfortable, it was still nothing more than a cage. Worse, he was expected to be grateful for his surroundings and forget that he was being held against his will.

Castiel opened his eyes with a painful moan that died off when he found that the world around him was an ugly grey. Colours bled together, faded at the edges and everything blurred to nothing more than fuzzy blobs. Something buzzed in his ear and he turned to look but couldn't make anything out more than muted colours and warped edges. Castiel let out a shaky breath. Michael had fought a battle in front of Castiel and it left his body damaged. Not the empty sockets and shattered eardrums that others were left with, but nonetheless, Castiel realized that whatever use he had been before had burned up like his eyesight.

Something buzzed in his ear. He looked over to the right but still saw nothing more than a snowy mess. The buzzing only grew more distorted the louder it became. Castiel screwed his eyes shut and willed to be back at that barn, a year ago, wished that he'd never walked in and faced Dean, never followed the path that lead him to becoming this broken husk of an angel.

Fingers brushed against his skin and a cold breeze shot through his body. There was a painful pinch when his ears fixed themselves, but his eyes still remained firmly closed. He didn't want to see where he was, or who he was with because he didn't know if being with Michael was still the best or worst case scenario. Castiel vigorously shook his head and clutched his fingers in his hair. Whoever had healed him remained silently at his side, seemingly content to let Castiel's meltdown play itself out. However when Castiel's body began to shutter in frustration, he squeezed Castiel shoulder in a gentle grip.

"Castiel," the stranger said softly, as if they were afraid Castiel might snap at any moment. Castiel swallowed and finally opened his eyes, looking up towards the stranger that looked at him with thoughtful eyes.

"Who are you?" Castiel murmured. The stranger's head tilted as he studied Castiel. He dropped to one knee as if the new angle might answer whatever questions about Castiel he had. A little cog seemed to click into place as it dawned of Castiel who the only other angel in all of creation would have been headstrong enough to face Michael. "Lucifer."

"Hello, little brother," Lucifer greeted. Castiel's head began to spin as he realized the implications of being with his fallen brother, the gravity of the situation weighed on his mind and though Lucifer was speaking to him he didn't hear a single word. On top of the realization that he was totally alone with the most dangerous creature in existence, another heavier feeling gripped his heart. In front of him was Lucifer, a brother he hardly remembered, but whose grace – its overwhelming glow that once shone across heaven – he could never forget. Though it had been so long ago that all but the eldest of angels had forgotten, all still knew that the brightest star in heaven had been the one that caused the most damage; like a dying star that burns hot and then twists into a black hole, sucking universes into its dark abyss. Lucifer was as beautiful as he was dangerous.

Yet in front of Castiel was just a man. Attractive by human standards and despite the softness of his voice, there was hardness to his eyes that warned Castiel that his bite was far worse than his bark. Still, to Castiel he looked utterly human. There was no light shining from him, no gentle pulse of his grace reaching out to Castiel's, just two mortal men in a dusty, decaying room. Despite Michael's words, a part of Castiel had always secretly clung to the hope that it was all a trick, as if Michael had just flipped an off switch on his grace, taking away his power but leaving it intact. Now, standing here with Lucifer and seeing just a human being shattered any faint hope Castiel had held. Lucifer's eyes were dull and empty compared to the magnificent shine he'd once known.  
Lucifer snapped his fingers, realizing that Castiel hadn't heard a word he said and Castiel flinched, expecting Lucifer to dispatch of him as soon as he realized his worthlessness. Lucifer sighed, out of annoyance or pity Castiel couldn't tell, and rose to his feet. "You should sleep more. We'll be leaving soon but you can rest until then."

"We?" Castiel questioned. Surely, Lucifer didn't plan on keeping him.

"We're safe here, for now, but it won't take long for Michael to find us here." Lucifer turned and motioned to the bed on his way to the door. "However you'll have a few hours while preparations are made at the new location."

Castiel's mind slowly processed Lucifer's words. Having just escaped Michael, he was now out of the frying pan and into the fire, just as much a captive of Lucifer as he had been his.

"You don't understand, I'm…" the words caught in his throat, heavy like a curse. Lucifer paused in the doorway and turned to look at him, eyes studying him and waited for whatever Castiel had to say. "I'm human. What possible use could you have for me?"

It was the first time Castiel had said it out loud, first time he had even really admitted it to himself. Lucifer crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the door frame. He raised an eyebrow in thought before asking, "What use did Michael have for you?"

"You're saying he should have just tossed me aside?"

"I'm not questioning your value, I'm just curious," Lucifer answered calmly. "Michael doesn't do anything out of the goodness of his heart."

"And you do?" Castiel snapped. Lucifer frowned at his behaviour and quickly closed the distance between them. Castiel's heart thudded in his chest; it had been a poor choice of words to use against the devil but the past few weeks had taken their toll. As Lucifer's shoes clacked on the wooden floor, Castiel thought that dying couldn't be so bad the second time. The human body could only process so much pain, eventually his senses would just shut down and it could just be over. This way at least he wasn't a tool in a bloody war.

"Get up," Lucifer ordered. Castiel's gaze dropped to the floor and shook his head; he wasn't going to stand for his own execution. Lucifer ran a hand through his hair and reached for Castiel, wrapped a hand around his arm and pulled him to his feet. His grip was gentle but forceful. Castiel knew it was pointless to resist and let Lucifer lead him towards the bed. With one push, Castiel landed on the bed and quickly rolled over and glared at his brother. "Castiel, there isn't much you can do right now. You need to save your strength for whatever elaborate escape plan you're thinking of."

"Don't patronize me." Lucifer reached out to him again, Castiel tried to protest and pull away but Lucifer stopped him when his fingers brushed against Castiel's forehead and with one last groan, Castiel fell into a deep sleep.

_*Love had caught him out of triviality and Maurice out of bewilderment in order that two imperfect souls might touch perfection*_

With a strangled gasp, Castiel woke up. He shot up from his bed and slapped a hand over his racing heart. The room around him was cloaked in inky blackness and Castiel's eyes darted back and forth, trying to find some hint as to where he was. His mind scrambled to remember what had happened; Raphael, Michael, Lucifer, he jumped off the bed and his hip slammed against the edge of something. He hissed and squeezed his hand over his injury trying to chase away the pain. Whatever terror had forced Castiel from his dreams now swirled into panic; he had no idea where he was. He didn't know if Lucifer or his demons were hiding in the shadows, or if he'd simply been abandoned like useless trash. He took hesitant steps; arms stretched out until he finally found the wall and cautiously felt around for a light switch or door.

Castiel tried to calm himself; his could feel his heart slam against his ribcage. He knew panicking would only hinder him but the logical and emotional parts of his mind didn't seem to be operating on the same level. His hand finally brushed against some heavy fabric, curtains that he quickly threw open and sent a stream of light in to flood the room. Castiel spun around to take in his new surroundings, calmed at least a little now that he could see, he wasn't in the room Lucifer had left him in. Where he was now was smaller, older and less extravagant than Castiel would expect Lucifer to make his home. He looked out the window and saw nothing but a forest – he appeared to be on the second floor of the house, too high to risk jumping.

Castiel crossed the room and pressed his ear against the door, listening for the sounds of people on the other side. Cautiously, he opened the door and peaked out. When he was sure there was no one in the hall, he stepped out. Seeing stairs at the end of the hall on the left side, he quietly walked towards them, glancing at the aged photographs framed on the wall and straining to hear for any sounds that warned someone was approaching. At the top of the stairs Castiel slipped his shoes off and picked them up. He hoped his socked feet would make less noise, and he walked on his toe tips down the steps to lessen the risk of the old wood squeaking.

It occurred to Castiel that it was entirely too easy to get to the door. Either Lucifer really had just dumped him somewhere or Castiel was exactly where he wanted him to be. Castiel's hand tightened on the handle of the front entrance. Maybe Lucifer expected him to go straight to the Winchesters, or he was bait to get Michael. Shaking his head he opened the door and was hit with the cool, fresh air from outside, Castiel wouldn't be stupid enough to lead him to anyone but he also wasn't going to waste an escape because he spent to long thinking.

Before he had even taken a step outside, he was thrown back, an invisible force slammed into his chest and throwing him into the wall, narrowly missing flying through a window. "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

Castiel looked up to the top of the stairway where Lucifer stood, hand stretched out towards him while his magic kept Castiel pinned to the wall. He lowered his hand and Castiel fell to the ground, clutching his probably bruised collar bone and gasped for the air that had been knocked out of his lungs. "You can't keep me here."

"I didn't mean to do that, are you hurt?" Lucifer stepped down the stairs and offered Castiel his hand but it was just slapped away.

"What do you care?" He snapped.

"The second you step out of this house, Michael will know where you are. I had thought that that might be something you wish to avoid."

"So instead you throw me around like a rag doll."

"I acted rashly," Lucifer explained in place of an apology. "I didn't expect you to make a run for it as soon as you woke up."

Castiel let out a harsh laugh and leaned back against the wall. "Then you're just like him, keeping me here against my will."

Something flashed in Lucifer's eyes, a momentary burst of heat before hidden behind his calm façade again. Lucifer sat down next to him, ignoring that Castiel shifted away from him. "You're free to leave whenever you want."

"You have a strange way of showing that."

"Tomorrow morning, you can leave then if you want," Lucifer said, ignoring Castiel's comment. "I'll need to find somewhere else for myself before you leave."

"And why is that?"

"Because when Michael resorts to torturing you for information, and believe me he will, I can't really have you leading him right to me." Lucifer brushed some dust off his jeans and looked at Castiel with a bored expression. "Too bad, I rather liked this place."

"Michael wouldn't-" Castiel's words caught in his throat, remembering when heaven had sent him to be re-educated. "I wouldn't need to be tortured to tell him where you're hiding. I don't owe you anything."

Lucifer laughed and Castiel found the sound more unsettling then his anger. "Yes I imagine you'd tell him exactly where this place is. But I know Michael very well and I know that he'll want to know everything. Why I took you, what I said to you, what possible use I could have for you and when you can't answer any of his questions, when he assumes you're lying to him…Well I don't expect him to be as gracious as I've been."

"Gracious," Castiel scoffed.

"Tomorrow," Lucifer told him, rising to his feet. "If you still want to leave tomorrow, I won't stop you."

_*Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others_*

Castiel had returned to the room he woke up in. Once Lucifer left, he wasn't sure what else to do. There wasn't much to it; a bed, a bookshelf and love seat and a desk. The view outside his window was just a wall of trees, and for two hours, not so much as a bird or squirrel came into view. He looked at the books on the shelf. They were old and musty, but the yellowed pages where intact. The top shelf was full of cook books and how-to guides: How to Fix Your Chevrolet, Electrical Wiring for the Home, Gardening in Small Places – titles that held little interest for Castiel. Below it was a shelf and a half of books in various languages that Castiel skipped and went to the third shelf, stuffed so full that he had trouble pulling one free. In all there were forty books, thirty that Castiel could read and one he chose to spend his last few hours in the house reading.

He sat down on the love seat, shrugged off his coat and opened the book. Between the pages he read the history of a family that very well could have been just as dysfunctional as his own; torn apart by jealousy, obsessed with rank and dwindling down until the graveyard was full. The sun began to set while he sped through the chapters, but Castiel's exhausted mind struggled to stay awake. His eyelids began to grow heavy and half way through the story, staying awake became a losing battle.

"Because he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same…" The book flopped down into his lap as he finally succumbed to sleep again. For once, peaceful dreams took over him. He didn't wake gasping for air and his subconscious was safer than the waking world. He dreamed of a stone farm on the hills of England, surrounded by Moorish sheep speckled black against their white wool; a place where ghosts climbed in through windows and young girls carve their names onto the ledges in their rooms. There are griffins and grotesque statues decorating the decrypt farm and the master, the literal black sheep of the family, wandered the grounds, holding onto lovers past.

"Come on, Sleeping Beauty, I can't have you starving on my watch." Castiel felt a sharp pinch on his arm and his eyes snapped open. A plate was shoved in front of his face before he can protest such treatment and he looked up past the plate to the grinning girl holding it. "Hey, super nova."

"Who are you?"

"Your babysitter," she told him and set the plate down on the desk next to him. "Boss says you need to eat."

"Do you really expect me to eat something a demon made?" Castiel asked, almost offended at the idea.  
The stranger smiled at him, reached out to grab his sandwich and bit into it. "Demon? That's what you think I am?"

"Aren't you?" Castiel asked, wondering if Lucifer was now recruiting other monsters, or worse humans, to his cause now.

"Probably. But, then again, you don't know, you can't just spot demons with just one look anymore. I hear you've been unplugged, you're just like the other seven billion meat bags walking around."

Castiel stiffened at the accusation. "You-"

"Meg," Lucifer interrupted. He motioned for Meg to leave as he walked over to the love seat the two sat on. Meg blinked at him, surprised at the harsh tone he had used but she nodded and got up to leave. When she passed Lucifer he grabbed her arm and looked at her like a father to a misbehaving child. "I told you not to talk to him."

"He looked lonely," Meg shrugged.

"Go check the seals at the back of the house," he ordered and let her go. As soon as she was out of sight Lucifer moved to sit down next to Castiel. "She was supposed to let you sleep."

Castiel didn't answer; he focused on the book in his hands. He just had a few more hours until he'd be let go. Lucifer took the book away from Castiel and continued like he didn't know Castiel was ignoring him. "Her bedside manner could use some work."

"That's putting it mildly."

Lucifer flipped through the old book before he set it down on the desk and picked up the plate instead. "Not hungry?"

"No," Castiel said firmly.

"Too bad, the jar said this was the world's best jam."

"I'm not staying here," Castiel said suddenly. Lucifer raised an eyebrow, a small hint of a smile tugged at his lips. "Even if you refuse to let me go, I will find a way out."

"Hm, it's unlikely the Winchester would find you, even if they bothered trying. Michael probably would find you outside these walls though I doubt you'd find yourself in better circumstances with him. Maybe you think you could make it on your own? We're surrounded by miles of woods, do you think you could survive in there long enough to make it to a city? You don't even know what continent we're on, much less what country."

"I knew you were lying, you never had any intention of letting me go."

Lucifer gave him a long look, the smallest hint of annoyance behind his guarded eyes. "Like I said, tomorrow morning, you can leave if that's what you want. I won't stop you but I can't promise I'll be able to find you again if you change your mind."

"I can fathom why I would ever change my mind," Castiel snorted.

"You'd be surprised." Lucifer stood up and stared out the window before turning to leave. "I'll see you in the morning."


	3. Chapter 3

Sleep didn't come easy for Castiel that night. He could hear whoever was in the house moving around downstairs, but he refused to leave the room. Eventually, he broke down and ate the sandwich, deciding that if Lucifer wanted him dead, he wouldn't need to poison him. Mostly, Castiel resigned himself to pacing, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth while he battled with the decision he had to make. The fact he was even considering staying with Lucifer made him sick, but still, his mind couldn't help but wander back to when he was re-educated not long ago.

A familiar dread rose up inside him as he remembered the slow burning that covered his entire skin, the searing pain that shot through him every time he refused their orders to be silent. He was distraught to admit that the very idea of feeling that terror again was enough to make him turn against everything he believed in. Staying with Lucifer would mean betraying both heaven and the Winchesters, but his brother was right when he asked what other choice Castiel had.

"What's your decision, then?" Castiel spun around. Lucifer's sudden presence startled him, but still he tried to put on a brave front. Castiel glanced out the window. He hadn't realized it was morning, but the sun was already peeking out past the tips of the trees. "I have another place prepared if you decide to leave."

Castiel didn't look at him. He watched the light slowly creep up over the horizon until the sun was fully visible. His tongue darted out to wet his chapped lips and even though he knew Lucifer was looking at him he couldn't bring himself to reply.

"I knew you would stay," Lucifer answered for him. He pushed himself away from the doorframe and sat down on the bed. "I was 're-educated' once too."

A shiver shot down Castiel's spine at the devil's words, meant to be sympathetic but the idea that they were alike in any way only made things worse. "You and I have nothing in common."

"More than you'd think," he countered, leaning back against the head board and lifted his feet up onto the bed.

"I am nothing like you!" Castiel shouted. He practically stomped over to where Lucifer was lying and practically spat at him. "You're a monster."

"Brave words," Lucifer chuckled and crossed his arms over his chest. His calm expression only served to infuriate Castiel even more – a reminder that Castiel posed zero threat to him and Lucifer could dispose of him with just a snap of his fingers. "If you find the idea of remaining here with me so repulsive, you can leave."

"I will," Castiel said firmly. He turned to the door but only made it a few steps when a tiny voice in the back of his mind stopped him. There's no room here for a soldier that doesn't follow orders. He didn't remember who had said it, he had been too far gone at that point but he remembered the cracking sound as someone grabbed his wings. He suddenly felt all those hands on him again. He let out a shaky breath as the walls seemed to shrink in.

"Calm down, Castiel. No one can get to you in here."

Castiel swallowed down the sheer terror that pumped through his veins and squeezed his hands into fists to try and stop the shaking.  
"Except you."

"If I wanted you dead, I think we both know that you'd be dead already."

"And what makes me any different from all the other angels you've murdered?" Lucifer's whole demeanor instantly changed, he sat up, stiff as a board and there was 'that look' again. As much as he tried to keep a calm air about him Castiel never missed the subtle change. Like a deer waiting for a wolf to pounce, every sense he had was locked on Lucifer, anticipating his inevitable snap.

"You should be careful what you say to me," his voice was low and steady. He was warning Castiel to back down but he had realized recently he never was very good at following orders.

"Why? If you wanted me dead, I'd be dead by now," Castiel threw his words back at him. "You think you can take me from one prison and into another and in one night I'll forget about all your past sins?"

"Sins?" Lucifer scoffed. "And what sins would those be?"

"I wouldn't even know where to start; turning against our father, the garrisons of your own brothers that you've slaughtered, damning  
humanity. Who knows what you've done since you've been released."

"Slaughtering angels," Lucifer laughed as if at an old familiar joke whose punch line was none the less still amusing.

"You think that's funny?" Lucifer shook his head and rose to his feet, Castiel held is ground as his brother walked up to him. Lucifer held  
his gaze, studying him like a stubborn animal in a zoo and Castiel refused to look away, not wanting to show any fear.

"Is that how you remember it?" Lucifer asked. "Or is that just what they told you?"

The question caught Castiel of guard and he was only able to mumble out, "I- what?"

"I said 'is that how you remember it, or is that what you were told'?" Lucifer repeated.

Castiel didn't answer his question. He pursed his lips and said instead, "I know what you're doing."

"Do you?"

"You're trying to instill doubt but it won't work," Castiel bit out. "The archangels don't lie, they're not you."

"I don't need to lie to discredit Michael," Lucifer shrugged. "He does a well enough job at that himself."

"Discredit Michael…" Castiel trailed off, disbelievingly. Michael had always been second only to their father, no one ever questioned his leadership, and no one even hesitated in following out his orders. "You're one to talk. How many of the angels that fell with you are still alive?"

"None," Lucifer answered casually.

"Then what possible reason would I have to trust you."

"I'm not the one who killed them." Castiel let out a frustrated growl. Talking with Lucifer only ever ended with a conversation going around in circles. He was sure Lucifer could make an argument about two plus two equalling five and convince half the world he was right.  
A knock sounded from the door and the demon he had met the day before opened the door. "What is it Meg?"

"You told me to come get you if-"

"Yes," he cut her off. "Wait for me downstairs."

Meg nodded and turned to leave, Castiel watched her walk away before his eyes snapped back to Lucifer. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing for you to worry about," Lucifer smiled. "I'll have someone bring you up some breakfast later."

"I'm not hungry."

"Well, it will be there if you change your mind." Lucifer waved his hand dismissively and departed. Castiel wanted to pull his hair out in fistful; he let out a frustrated sigh and couldn't help but feel like a cage bird. Despite his claims that he was better the Michael, Lucifer still kept him in the dark, still kept him in a little house in the middle of nowhere. Castiel collapsed on his bed and punched his pillow before tossing it onto the floor.

Castiel just wanted to disappear.

_*I knew it was hopeless, but that didn't matter to me. And it's not that I want to have you. All I want is to deserve you. Tell me what to do. Show me how to behave. I'll do anything you say.*_

Castiel made his way downstairs. It was quiet save for the television going off in the living room. He lingered by the window, looking out at the world he couldn't go into anymore. Sighing he sat down on the too soft couch and picked the remote up off the table. It wasn't a devise he had ever used before but it wouldn't take a scientist to decipher the buttons.

"Thousands are missing after several earthquakes hit Israel, Egypt and Italy." A voice blared out when Castiel changed the channel. He paused and set the remote down to watch, images of cracked earth and crumbled building flashed across the screen. "Flooding in Western Europe has led to half a million people being forced to move inland. Here's Stacy Valentine with the local news."

"Thank you, Veronica. Well, it seems like America hasn't escaped the string of natural disaster either. Only a few hours ago a twister-"

A hand darted out from behind him and snatched up the remote out of Castiel's nap and switched the television off. "You weren't supposed to see that."

Castiel looked over his shoulder. Meg stood behind him with a sour expression. "What was that?"

"Nothing. Let's get you back upstairs." Meg had already left the room before Castiel could protest and he was quick to follow, mind still reeling from the images he had just seen.

"How can you just stand by and let that happen?"

"Castiel," she said warningly, climbing up the stairs two at a time, trying to get him back to his room as fast as possible.

"You used to be human, how can you stand behind him when he's killing thousands?" Meg didn't answer, just flung Castiel's door open and ushered him inside. "You don't actually believe that he cares about any of you? Demons are ab-"

"It's not him," Meg snapped. "Lucifer is lying low, he has a plan and drawing attention to himself like that would serve no purpose."

"Who else could do all that?" Castiel asked. Meg pursed her lips, annoyed by Castiel's questioning and clearly having already said more than she was supposed to. "Meg, what aren't you telling me?"

"I'm sure you already know the answer to your own question."

"Why would Michael do that?"

"He wanted a battle and he's tired of waiting."

"If any of that is true, why wouldn't Lucifer just tell me?"

"Because he's your brother," Meg replied. Castiel didn't know who she was referring to, Lucifer or Michael. Perhaps Lucifer didn't think that Castiel would believe him if he had told him that Michael was tearing the world apart. Or maybe it was that Lucifer didn't have the heart to break it to him, that what he'd been fighting for his whole existence was some sort of sham. Suddenly the world wasn't so black and white; there wasn't clear cut black and white. Before, he had thought his brothers were misguided, bringing on a war they thought was necessary and not seeing the alternative. Now it seemed that Michael was maliciously knocking down anything that stood between him and Lucifer, never stopping to think if what he was doing was justified. As long as the end saw Michael victorious, he'd let the world burn without a second thought.

When Castiel snapped out of his thoughts, Meg had already left, probably grateful to escape unnoticed and be free of Castiel's questioning. He picked another book off the shelf and tried to distract himself from his own mind. The house was quiet, he thought that Meg might have left him by himself, but he was too tired to check. He didn't think the human body was supposed to be so exhausted all the time but no matter how much sleep Castiel had, he always felt so drained.

He flipped through the pages of the book, poems spread out on illustrated paper, most of which passed by unnoticed until one caught his eye.

"_Love seeketh not itself to please,_  
_nor for itself hath any care;_  
_but for another gives its ease,_  
_and builds a Heaven in Hell's despair_."

Castiel paused over that. He supposed it could offer some perspective on his current situation. In a far less stylized and romantic way but Castiel spending all day feeling sorry for himself wasn't going to help him in anyway. He made his choice to stay there and he either needed to learn to live with his decision or risk stepping outside.

"You look so contemplative." Castiel's head snapped up to find Lucifer leaning against his doorframe. "What's got you thinking so hard, little brother?"

"Don't call me that." Castiel made a face and closed the book, thumb marking where he had left off.

Lucifer shrugged and walked inside Castiel's room, stopping next to his bed and looked around the small room. "You're going to waste away spending all your time here."

Castiel almost mentioned that he had been downstairs only a few hours ago but decided against it. Meg obviously hadn't said anything about it and Castiel assumed that was because she feared some sort of repercussions for what Castiel had seen on the television. Castiel decided he didn't want to find out what she had been worried about. "It's not so bad up here."

"I suppose you have these books to keep you company at least." Lucifer picked up one of the books Castiel had already finished off the night table. "I would have thought I'd be better company to yellowed paper at least though."

"I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news." Castiel snatched the book out of Lucifer's hand and placed it in his lap. Lucifer looked mildly amused at Castiel trying to look tough in front of him and sat down on the bed next to him.

"I understand," Lucifer started, head tilted to the side as he examined the ceiling, "not wanting to be around someone so confusing."

"You don't confuse me." Castiel slid further down the bed, distancing himself from Lucifer who just grinned at how uncomfortable Castiel was.

"You're not exactly walking around with an air of confidence," Lucifer teased. Castiel frowned, tightened his arms around himself and looked away, knowing he probably looked like a toddler on the brink of a tantrum but not caring one little bit. Lucifer let out a sigh at Castiel's behaviour, "You are entirely too serious."

Castiel just let out a huff and refused to look at him.

"You know, I understand that you and I aren't on the best of terms. However I am one of only a handful of people in the world willing to talk to you with no ulterior motives, so maybe you could at least maintain eye contact."

"Ulterior motives," Castiel barked. Another wave of steamy anger breezed over Castiel when Lucifer didn't so much as raise an eyebrow at his harsh tone. The expression devil may care was apparently very aptly named. "Is that how to justify this? Keeping me locked up is fine as long as you have nothing to gain from it?"

"Every villain is a hero in their own mind." Lucifer said as he stretched out on the bed.

"I suppose it's easier to think that way when you're the villain."

"Evil is all about perspective." Castiel had an inkling that Lucifer wasn't referring about himself. Castiel hadn't been on the best of terms with Heaven as of late but to imply that the family he had fought with for millennium were evil crossed a line. Still, the images of the news broadcast flashed through his mind again, terrified people running from collapsing skyscrapers, mothers weeping over their dead children and men trying to claw their way from out beneath fallen rubble. Castiel couldn't help but wonder if what Michael was doing was really part of their father's plan or just settling some vendetta. He knew that in the final battle there would be human casualties, He had expected Lucifer to kill millions before Michael stepped in and ended it. However the opposite had happened, Michael was ripping the world up to find one fallen brother and Castiel had a sick feeling that most of the host didn't even know what Michael was doing. There were probably millions of angels who were looking to Michael to bring peace on earth with no idea how many were suffering at his hand.

Castiel shook his head. He was thinking to much into one simple television broadcast. For all he knew, Meg was lying. In fact, that's what he should have expected from a demon. Now Lucifer was just trying to tempt him further and Castiel was being lead straight into his trap."And through what perspective do you come out as anything else," Castiel bristled.

"Read the rest," Lucifer told him.

"What?"

"The poem, read the rest." Castiel opened the book to where his finger marked his place. It was a short poem. There were only two other verses, the second one held little meaning the third a polar opposite of the first.

"_Love seeketh only self to please,_  
_to bind another to its delight,_  
_joys in another's loss of ease,_  
_and builds a hell in heaven's despite_."

Castiel frowned at the sudden twist and closed the book before setting it down beside him on the bed. "Perspective."

"I would have thought your ego would have prevented you from comparing yourself to a lowly pebble."

"I was the clod of clay in that example," Lucifer said with mock insult. Castiel's brow drew in confusion, if not annoyance, at his brother. It was sometimes easy to remember that Lucifer was Lucifer and Castiel had been a soldier pitted against him since nearly forever. It was enough to give him a headache, another unfortunate symptom of his new humanity, trying to sort through every new idea Lucifer presented him with.

"I'm sure you have better things to do with your time then sit here discussing poetry with me," Castiel said tiredly, wishing Lucifer would just leave him alone, because he really was confusing and life was already complicated enough without him trying to poke hole in Castiel's whole belief system.

"World domination is much simpler than people think." Lucifer cracked a small smile at his own joke that Castiel found no humour in. "I have more time then I know what to do with."

"I'm tired, I'd like to sleep."

"You'd sleep the whole day away if I let you."

"Humans can't survive without sleep," Castiel said bitterly. He meant it as a simply stated fact, but instead he let known the open sore of his now weak spirit trapped in mortal flesh.

"Is that what you think? That you're human now?"

"I don't see a lot of evidence to the contrary. It doesn't matter; I knew there would be consequences to siding against Zachariah. I just never thought…"

"Clipping a bird's wings doesn't turn it onto a cat," Lucifer reached out and laid his hand on Castiel's shoulder. The gesture caught Castiel off guard and he found himself staring at the hand gently wrapped around his arm. For lack of any better response he swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat and slowly nodded. Lucifer didn't let go though, he tilted his head to the side and smiled instead, "though cats do sleep up to twenty hours a day."

"That's not funny," Castiel said though couldn't help the small tug on his lips.

"Yet you're still smiling," Lucifer pointed out. He pulled away from Castiel and grabbed the stack of books on Castiel's night table. "Now, why don't you try something more contemporary?"

"Most of these books are rather old."

"Hm, Possession. Sounds like something that won't require much insight." Lucifer opened the book to where Castiel had stuck a piece of cloth in as a bookmark.

"I can read that myself."

"I know," Lucifer said. Still he tossed the bookmark aside and started at the top of the page. _"I cannot let you burn me up, nor can I resist you. No mere human can stand in a fire and not be consumed_."

Castiel's dreams weren't filled of the usual jumbled frightful images, but it was just as terrifying, if not more so. He found himself in familiar white marble walls, on that same uncomfortably over stuffed couch that made his bones ache just thinking about it.

"You've been a difficult one to track down," Michael spoke causing Castiel to spin around and come face to face with his older brother.

"How did I get here?" Castiel asked, racking his brain to remember how Michael had managed to take him back from Lucifer. Michael's answer was the same aloof smile he often answered Castiel with. "Is this a dream?"

"You could save me a lot of time if you simply told me where he's keeping you." Michael was ignoring him again, like he always did, treating Castiel like some useless underling.

"I don't know." He really didn't, only a vague idea that he was situated somewhere in a forest. He could guess he was in America, if that news program was local, if it was just a channel he had happened to stumble upon he really could be anywhere. "I really don't."

"I'd like to believe that." Michael crossed his arms and despite his vessel's young age, Castiel felt small and weak standing in front of the archangel. "However it was unusually difficult just to get here. It seems like a lot of trouble for Lucifer to go to just to hide some disgraced angel he's never even met."

Castiel didn't answer, sure that Michael had already made up his mind on what was going on. Michael began to circle him, like a predator stalking his pray, and studied Castiel for any sign of weakness while he waited to pounce. "Would you like to know what I think is going on?"

"No," he answered but Michael just gave him a brief glare and continued like he had never said anything.

"I believe Lucifer sees a little bit of himself in you." Michael tilted his head and smiled at Castiel. "A coward, who turned against his family as soon as it was convenient for him."

"I didn't turn against you, brother," Castiel insisted. "But you must have known that what was happening was wrong."

"You're still so young, little Castiel. Maybe you just don't remember what it was like, when he stormed heaven and slaughtered our brothers. He never hesitated to kill anyone that crossed his path and don't believe for a second that he'll have second thoughts about disposing of you when you've outlived your usefulness. He's using you."

"He said you'd say that," Castiel breathed out nervously.

"Did he? So you have been talking then." Michael straightened the old painting of him, dressed in rich armour and impaling a grotesque  
depiction of his little brother. "Lucifer is much more…subtle with his methods. I suppose you're lucky he didn't just throw you to his demons, it would have been a much more gruesome method of conversion."

"The demons aren't all like that," Castiel jumped to defend Meg, but silently cursed himself when he realized he was just letting Michael drag him in.

"Castiel," Michael sighed. "I'm disappointed in you, so easily swayed. "

"I don't know what you're talking about," Castiel shook his head. Michael laughed and walked back over to Castiel, who unconsciously moved back to add distance between them.

"I understand, I really do." Michael gave a soft smile like he was lost in an old memory. "It wasn't too long ago he used the same tactics on me."

Michael stepped closer to Castiel, eyes locked on him and a cold ripple shot down his spine. "Lucifer is much too busy to spend much time with me."

Castiel kept moving back but Michael only continued to step closer and closer, Castiel didn't realize he had been forced into a corner until his back hit the wall. "He's very good at picking out your weaknesses."

Whatever response Castiel had died in his throat as Michael was all but pressed up against him. The archangel reached up and Castiel flinched, expecting to be hit or thrown about like a rag doll, but Michael only brushed a stray lock of hair behind his ear. "Michael?"

"It's a whole routine really," Michael started. "Makes himself out to be this poor victim, then he moves in close while your guards down. Soon he's pulling you down into stolen kisses all the while just waiting for the chance to stab you in the back."

"We've never…" Castiel trailed off and blushed. He tried to sink further into the wall but any space he created, Michael quickly filled. "He barely has time to spend with me." Castiel repeated

"We shouldn't lie now, should we?" Michael's demeanor instantly changed. He grabbed Castiel's arm in an iron grip and roughly flung him onto the couch. Castiel tried to escape his grasp. "Where is Lucifer hiding?"

"I swear I don't know!" Castiel gritted out, his arm throbbed under Michael's hand. "He hasn't told me anything! He barely even talks to me."

"_Castiel_."

"Tell me where you are," Michael snapped and violently shook him.

"I don't know," Castiel insisted, desperately trying to claw his way out of Michael's grip.

"_Castiel!_"

"I'm done playing nice Castiel; this is your only chance." Michael's grasp only tightened until Castiel was sure his arm might snap. "Are you with me or are you with him?"

"I'm not with anyone!" He cried out. Michael's mouth moved but no words came out, the whole room began to shake and spin until everything just swirled into a blur. Castiel gasped for breath and squeezed his eyes shut, when he opened them he found himself back in his bed, Lucifer leaning over him with a concerned, almost panicked expression. A pain in his cheek suddenly hit him and he gingerly laid his hand atop the throbbing heat.

"What happened?" Lucifer asked pulling him up to a sitting position.

"Did you hit me?"

"Castiel, Meg has been trying to wake you for hours. You've been asleep nearly two days." Castiel stomached dropped at that, his  
encounter with Michael had felt like only a few minutes. A sudden wave of nausea hit him and he rushed towards the bathroom, barley making it to the toilet before he started heaving. His eyes and throat burned as his emptied his stomach and it was just one more thing to add to the awful new experiences he had had since coming back.

"Castiel." Lucifer came in and stood by the sink, completely unfazed by his brother's state. "Castiel, what did you tell him?"  
He shook his head, his heaving slowly turned into rough coughs and he wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve. He leaned back against the bathtub, the cool porcelain soothed his hot skin but not the burning in his head.

"You're sure?" Lucifer asked, not wanting to out right accuse him of lying but Castiel could see his knuckle's white grip against the sink edge.

"Nothing," Castiel croaked and curled in on himself. "I didn't say anything, I don't know anything."

Lucifer paused. Clearly he had more he wanted to ask Castiel, but he held back. "He shouldn't have been able to get to you like that."

"Well he did."

"Castiel-"

"No," Castiel interrupted, barely managing to lift his head up and look at Lucifer. "Whatever is going on between you two, I don't want to be a part of it. I don't know why I ever was but I want it to stop."

Lucifer looked at him in silence but Castiel just sighed and dropped his head back down to the bathtub. Even sleep wasn't safe for him anymore. "He won't be able to do that again," Lucifer promised, Castiel just let out a groan in response.

They stayed in silence for what seemed like an eternity but eventually Lucifer crossed the small room and knelt by Castiel's side. Castiel tried to pull away from him, "just leave me here."

"Come, let's get you back into bed." Lucifer wrapped an arm around Castiel's waist and lifted him to his feet. All the energy seemed to drain out of Castiel and he clutched onto the angel, trying to keep from falling. The last thing Castiel wanted to do was go back to sleep. Lucifer must have sensed that because he grabbed another book off of the quickly emptying bookshelf and handed it to Castiel once he had sat down. "Perhaps you could read to me this time?"

"I thought you were sick of dead English writers," Castiel pointed out tiredly.

Lucifer shrugged and sat down next to him, closer than even Castiel knew was entirely appropriate for two practical strangers. "No one can be sick of Hamlet."

"You must not know many."

"Just read, will you?"

Castiel nodded. He was still not completely sure about Lucifer, why he had bothered freeing him from Michael but for the moment, it was raining, and it was far better to have company on such nights then fall prey to whatever lurked in sleep. He began, _"Francisco at his post. Enter to him Bernardo._"


	4. Chapter 4

"_Doubt thou the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt I love,_" Castiel paused and set the book down on his lap. He looked down at Lucifer, who lied peacefully by his side, eyes closed and body stretched out across the bed. "Are you sleeping?"

"Of course not," Lucifer smiled without opening his eyes and turned onto his side with his back facing Castiel. "Keep going."

"Why? They all just die in the end."

"Don't ruin the ending," Lucifer murmured into one of the pillows.

"It was written over four hundred years ago," Castiel pointed out. "I believe most people know how it ends."

"Well, people have to die sometime anyways." Reality seemed to snap back to Castiel, reminding him that he was lying in bed with the devil. The other angels had probably already grouped him and Satan together and here he was acting like a friend instead of two enamies forced together by happenstance.

"I suppose they do."

"Don't," Lucifer ordered. "We were having such a nice time."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You were making so much progress too."

"Why me?" Castiel asked, ignoring Lucifer's comment. "Why is any of this happening? I was a foot soldier, rescuing Dean was supposed to be a simple assignment and it's led me here."

"It wasn't Dean that led you here." Lucifer shook his head at the ridiculous notion. "I'm sure everyone expected you climb out of hell and continue to march in line with all the rest. It wasn't Dean that singled you out, you just stopped marching."

"Why would he even bother keeping me, why didn't he just kill me on sight?"

"Michael…Michael, has always believed that his way is right and that with enough persuading any one can be made to see that." Lucifer saw the way Castiel curled in on himself and tried to offer some comfort, a thing he must not be well practised in because he gripped Castiel's arm a little too tight. "He can't get to you, not while you're here."

Castiel was practical shaking, out of fear or rage he wasn't completely sure but he knew he wanted to be left alone. The room just seemed so crowded but he wouldn't ask Lucifer to leave, not wanting to send away one of the only two people who bothered with him at all. Guilt hit him again, then longing, it all went back and forth until he had no idea how he felt about being in that house. One minute he was looking at the door hoping for Lucifer to come join him and the next he was counting the second till he left. It was as there were two completly differnt people inside him fighting for control but instead just ended up tearing each other apart.

"I'll tell Meg to bring you up some food," Lucifer offered. "Some tea might help."

Castiel shrugged his shoulder and didn't answer not trusting his voice not to waiver. Lucifer cleaned the books of the bed and brought them over to the desk on the other side of the room. "I'll be back later tonight, once you're asleep. Just to be sure you're not…bothered."

Castiel gulped at the notion of seeing Michael in his sleep again. He took a shaky breath and felt a twinge of remorse, Lucifer probably thought that Castiel was closing himself because of him when it was just the weight of the world weighing him down. He sat up, apology on the top of his tongue, but the room was quite and empty.

Castiel understood now why Dean always found him flying off so annoying

_*I want to tear myself from this place, from this reality, rise up like a cloud and float away, melt into this humid summer night and dissolve somewhere far, over the hills. But I am here, my legs blocks of concrete, my lungs empty of air, my throat burning. There will be no floating away.*_

Castiel knew there wasn't much time left. Lucifer had been out for so long that Castiel was surprised there hadn't been a battle yet. Lucifer still didn't have Sam and Castiel assumed Michael didn't have Dean either but the closest the two had come to each other was when he was taken from the Green Room. It appeared to be such a waste of Lucifer's time to spend afternoons reading with him and yet he could always expect a knock on his door at noon exactly. He wanted to ask why Lucifer bothered but was afraid that if he did he might not like the answer or Lucifer might just stop coming all together.

His new state still presented problems, he had gotten the general human daily routine down thought he still found it inconvenient all the things he had to do to stay alive. It was the little things that annoyed him mostly, like when he decided to begin reading the first book on the third shelf. It was a bland looking book having just a black cover with L'Homme Qui Rit written across in cursive letters. He sat down on his bed, fluffed his pillows up and leaned back, expecting to spend a uneventful afternoon reading. Yet when he turned to the first page he instead met with jumbled words and a heavy heart.

Hours later Lucifer walked in on him, staring dejectedly at the book, reading the first sentence over and over again hoping it might suddenly make sense. "What's wrong?"

"I can't- I can't read this."

"Is it that bad?"

"No I don't understand it," he muttered defeated.

Lucifer picked the book up from Castiel's hands and examined it as if Castiel might have been mistaken about being unable to read it. When Castiel still had his grace he was connected to the Host, a giant network and each angel a little computer attached to it, there was no limit to the knowledge that could be stored and sent out to each one. Now Castiel's mind had shrunk down to the bare necessities, he had his memories and he was probably of average intelligence but things like being multilingual or memorized geography were no longer something he had stored away inside him.

"It's my turn to read anyways." Lucifer dropped down to the bed and started reading like Castiel hadn't been on the verge of a nervous breakdown not moments ago. His voice was firm and steady, never stopping to let Castiel get a word in as if knowing Castiel would just drag himself into another stooper. Despite his best efforts though Lucifer didn't make it very far into the book.

"He who reads, thinks; he who thinks, reasons," Lucifer paused and closed the book. "This is awful."

"I was enjoying it," Castiel said surprised at Lucifer's criticism. He reached for the book perhaps to protect it from Lucifer's negativity but his brother held it out of Castiel's reach.

"The French are so sombre." Lucifer dangled the book over the edge of the bed and shook his head sadly.

Castiel stretched out over Lucifer and pulled the novel free from his hand. "Perhaps you just don't understand the complexity of social hierarchy."

Lucifer laughed and turned to the pile of books on Castiel's dresser, he picked each one up and examined the cover before flipping through the pages. "Every library has to have at least one bad book."

"You may pick tomorrow's book then." Lucifer picked up the last book in the pile and barely gave it a glance before smiling and handing it to Castiel.

"It's a date then." Lucifer rose to his feet and stretched his arm over his head. "I have places to be."

"Oh," Castiel said looking up from the book in his hands. "Enjoy yourself then."

Lucifer paused as if considering his words and then slowly continued his thought. "I won't be gone long."

"A short evening tonight?" Castiel asked as he glanced over the first few pages.

Lucifer hummed in agreement. He grew silent and took so long to speak again that Castiel was surprised he was still there. "I suppose there won't be much to do tonight."

"Meg said she was going to make some sort of Turkish food tonight."

"I don't eat," Lucifer mentioned, his voice tinged with something Castiel was too distracted to notice.

"You could help prepare it."

"Yes," Lucifer shook his head. "Or, we could start your book early."

Castiel looked up and blinked, he never saw his brother outside of the few hours they spent together after lunch. "We could do that."

"Perfect," Lucifer said with the smallest hint of a smile gracing his lips. "After dinner then?"

Castiel nodded and set the book aside, a fluttering sound filled the room and Lucifer was off to whatever he did outside those four walls. Not long after Meg came to get him for dinner, it was far too hot and spicy for Castiel but he didn't want to seem rude so he just ate what was on his plate and chugged his water when it got too much.

He had nearly forgotten that Lucifer was coming back till he walked into his room and saw him sitting down, book already cracked open. "How was dinner?"

"Fine," Castiel answered. He flicked on the lights and squinted against the sudden brightness.

"I'll read this one." Usually when they read they went back and forth for each boo, however it was just as unusual to see him after sunset. If it meant that much to him to read one old dusty book, Castiel wasn'r going to stop him. "You think you can manage to stay awake?"

Castiel gave him a puzzled look. "I hope you don't plan on finishing all that tonight."

"I could, if I wanted to."

Castiel shook his head and sat down on next to Lucifer. "Well don't let me requiring sleep stop you."

Lucifer went straight to it like he actually expected to read it all in one night, continuing long after Castiel had falen asleep. Castiel could understand why Lucifer thought he might fall asleep, Lucifer's voice was a soothing thing to listen to. He read much differently than Castiel, who was often bland and took quick, Lucifer spoke each word like each one was vital to the story. His voice came out like gentle ocean waves against the sand, so different from the authoritative edge he had at any other time.

Lucifer abruptly stopped mid-sentence and looked at Castiel, bringing him out of his thoughts. "So much of this must be lost on you."

"Excuse me?"

"You lack experience," Lucifer told him flatly.

"I can still enjoy it," Castiel huffed. Lucifer stopping in the middle of a book seemed to be becoming a pattern.

"Not really though, you can't relate to any of it." Lucifer flipped back a few pages. "If you've never felt love you can't imagine what it's like."

"I know what love is," Castiel said insulted. Lucifer only smiled and shook his head, which only served to annoy Castiel more. "I can't believe I'm arguing about love with the devil."

"_Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows_," chuckled Lucifer.

"I can't imagine I'm missing much."

"More than you'd expect." He ran his fingers along the line that Moon spoke to Earth.

"I doubt the moon knows much more than I do," Castiel scoffed.

"_As in the soft and sweet eclipse_," he began. Lucifer twisted over so he was practically nose-to-nose with Castiel, eyes lingered on the page but his hand slid around Castiel's back. "_When soul meets soul on lovers' lip_s."

Castiel's eyes widened when Lucifer closed the miniscule distance and kissed him. He was too shocked to move, at least he thought it was shock, his heart swelled and pounded and every inch of his skin felt hot save for the small bit that Lucifer cooled. What felt like an eternity must have only lasted a few seconds before Lucifer pulled away. If not for the sly grin on Lucifer's face he might have thought he had imagined all of it. He continued to read as if nothing had happened. "High hearts are calm, and brightest eyes are dull."

Castiel decided he really was missing quite a bit.

_*The mystery of life isn't a problem to solve, but a reality to experience.*_

There were dozens of books read between them over the next few weeks. Some short poems, some epic novels, there were happy one and sad ones, one that made Lucifer chuckle and some that confused Castiel over how idiotic the characters were. Every book that ended appeared to leave something else behind, despite it obvious shortcoming life didn't quite seem so hopeless to Castiel. Lucifer who had often wore life's stresses like a heavy chain around his neck seemed to have only one place to escape the battles he was constantly fighting.

Yet whatever Castiel felt was always quickly followed with a reminder that it couldn't last forever. Lucifer and him were supposed to be enemies and if they had become something more it didn't change that Michael would never stop trying to finish his brother. So every time Lucifer leaned in too close Castiel would flinch away, he couldn't bring himself to end their afternoon together but he always had an excuse to not see him after that. Eventually Lucifer stopped asking to come back after he finished his 'errands' and Castiel had thought that would make things easier but even just being in the same room with him could make his heart ache.

He had been living in the cottage for a month and a half and was close to finishing D.H. Lawrence's novel when the world finally came crashing down on him. Lucifer was next to him, feet rested on the headboard as he laid down backwards on the bed. Words flowed out of Castiel's mouth but his mind was a million miles away. Every few seconds he was steeling glances of Lucifer, at first it made him smile to see him look so peaceful beside him. However as always those worries crept back in, reminding Castiel that any moment Lucifer could be dead or he could kill Michael and who knows what would happen to him then. Lucifer didn't often talk about Michael but when he did he always got a distant look in his eyes and a mournful ting to his voice. Lucifer didn't know how transparent he could be and Castiel was sure that if he won the war he wouldn't come back the same. One tormenting thought always weighed at the back of his mind, no matter who won, Castiel could never have Lucifer.

Castiel stumbled over the words on the page and let out a shaky breath. Lucifer's brow raised and he pushed himself up onto this elbows. "Is something wrong?"

"I just-" Castiel took a shaky breath and he found he wasn't able to force out the words he so desperately wanted to say. "The book is nearing the end."

Lucifer didn't answer right away, he gave Castiel this serious look and he knew that Lucifer understood what he meant, even if he wasn't able to say it aloud. "Everything has to end."

"It doesn't look like things will end well for Connie," Castiel muttered, running his finger over the purple clad woman on the cover.

"I can't change the ending, Castiel."

"But we don't have to know how it ends, we can just stop reading. We can close the book and put it back on the shelf, just leave it there and walk away."

"Castiel," Lucifer said tiredly. Castiel felt the hot iron around his heart tighten; burning and squeezing with an inner wound he couldn't just run under a tap of cold water or put a bandage across it. "You know that's not how it works."

"Why even start something you know will end so disastrously?" Castiel asked, unable to help the twitch of anger seeped out. Lucifer didn't answer, he looked at Castiel and shrugged like it didn't matter and maybe to him it didn't but for Castiel everything was at stake.

He just wanted to chase it all away, he didn't want there to be a world beyond the two of them. It all seemed so unfair that they'd both given up so much just to have a little piece of a lost heaven dangled in front of them only to have it cruelly taken away. He could understand Oliver's sentiment written in the book now, a desire for another that could be filled with simple closeness and he knew he was about to loose it. What could be the point of having love if you couldn't keep it?

Castiel tossed the book to the floor, Lucifer's expression soured clearly not impressed with the way Castiel treated the it. He wasn't to voice his concern though because Castiel was on him as soon as the book hit the floor. He probably lacked the finesse of a more experienced man, when their lips touched it was more of a mash then a kiss. Nonetheless Lucifer responded just as eagerly, quick to thread his fingers in Castiel's hair and deepen the kiss. Castiel's mind entirely shut off as he followed Lucifer's lead only to snap back on when he felt himself being pushed back onto the bed. Lucifer leaned over him but held still besides that, seeing Castiel's slightly frantic expression made him pause and he settled on reaching up to stroke Castiel's check with the back of his knuckles.

Castiel raised shaky hands up to the collar of his brother's shirt, he was suddenly unsure of what he was supposed to do. Lucifer looked down on him, eyes guarded as he waited to see what Castiel would do because he was letting him decide what happened, Lucifer wasn't going to take anything for himself. Castiel slipped his hand beneath Lucifer's shirt and tugged on it, Lucifer responded by lifting his arms so his shirt could be pulled up over his head. After that Lucifer wasted no time discarding the rest of their clothes, tossing them behind him as soon as he was able to pull them free from their bodies. Then there was nothing between them just skin on skin and all at once Castiel felt nervous. Whatever he had read in his books couldn't help him there, no matter how graphic they had been they couldm't compare with the real thing, a real body pressed against his. He felt the need to say something if just to break the heavy silence but Lucifer cut him off.

"Shhh," Lucifer murmured into Castiel's neck. His hands slipped away and wrapped around Castiel wrists keeping him firmly in place while his mouth explored every dip and crevice of Castiel's neck.

"But-" Castiel sucked in a breath when teeth nipped at his shoulder and Lucifer chuckled against his warm skin. Lucifer pulled away and looked at him through lidded eyes, the same smile strung across his lips that Castiel had despised only a few weeks ago. Now it made his stomach twist and he pushed himself up, as much as he could with his hands pinned, and press their mouths together. It's all the permission Lucifer needed and he released one of Castiel's wrists, his hand slithered down Castiel's side and made him shiver at the cold touch. When he reached Castiel's thigh he twisted it around his hip and pulled away from Castiel's kiss.

Lucifer released Castiel's other hand and laid it against his head instead, thumb brushing against Castiel's cheek. With his hands now freed, Castiel slid them up to Lucifer's shoulders, probably holding him to tight but Lucifer didn't react much to the nails that dug into his back Castiel let out a shaky breath when he felt his brother shift against him, he squeezed his eyes shut, not knowing what to expect but Lucifer kept a tight, reassuring grip on Castiel. When Lucifer finally moved, a cry ripped out from Castiel throat but Lucifer quickly swallowed it down into another kiss. The hand on his cheek moved back to run soothing fingers against his hair and the discomfort he first felt was slowly replaced with something else entirely.

Castiel hadn't had many chances to experience the good side of mortality. There wasn't much that a human could do that an angel couldn't. But as Lucifer's hands roamed across his body he could certainly see why so many angels had fallen for this. It was more then just the physical part that heaven had told him was sinful, though Castiel couldn't deny the tiny shiver down his spine every time Lucifer's lips touched his skin. Beneath all that was something deeper that he couldn't quite describe. It wasn't often that the name Lucifer and 'tender' appeared in the same sentence but Castiel didn't know how else to describe it.

It all seemed to happen so quickly for something Castiel wanted to go on forever. With one last groan Castiel was spent and Lucifer wasn't far behind him, his head dropped to the crook of Castiel neck and he stiffened against him. They laid there, trying to catch their breath, Lucifer rolled onto his back and Castiel barely felt a second of cold before Lucifer pulled him close and covered him with the thick blanket.

Castiel almost wanted to laugh, a month ago he would have been disgusted at the idea of being here, he'd have cringed at the thought of even standing too close to Lucifer yet here he was wrapped up under the covers with him

"Will you stay?" Castiel whispered cautiously. "Even once I fall asleep?"

Lucifer's arms tightened around him, pulling the blanket over his shoulder and pressed a kiss against his bare neck. He nodded and Castiel relaxed in his hold, it wouldn't be the most entertaining way to spend the next few hours just watching him sleep but he couldn't stand the thought of being left alone. The least the world could give him was this one night.

_*All hopes of eternity and all gain from the past he would have given to have her there, to be wrapped warm with him in one blanket, and sleep, only sleep.*_

Castiel was never one for nostalgia, there hadn't been much point as an angel when you spent your entire existence in the same place. Still when he fell asleep that night his mind took him to the Tuesday afternoon one man had been reliving for the past forty years. He came close to smiling watching the man chase the kite around the sunlit park, swerving between trees bushes but never quite able to catch it.

Castiel ran his hand along the smooth wood of the bench and leaned back, inhaling the fresh air that carried pine and wildflowers with it. It was something he hadn't ever stopped to consider as an angel, such an insignificant thing, now the sweet smell calmed him more then he ever thought mere flowers could.

"I suppose I just don't understand." Castiel's tranquility shattered with the voice next took him. He stiffened but kept his gaze firmly on the man still running around the park and not the archangel next to him. "The only thing we've ever had has been each other and yet you're willing to throw all that away just for single 'angel'."

Michael practically spit out the word, as if it pained him to refer to Lucifer as such. Castiel imagined it made it easier to hate your own brother if you've lowered him down to beneath you, worse then the dirst beneath your fingernails. "I'm not throwing anything away."

"Do you know how much of the earth will be destroyed if he's able to gain control of his vessel and fight against me." Conveniently Michael didn't bring up the damage he had already caused to earth, or that the damage done during the battle would be just as much by his hand as Lucifer's.

"I know," Castiel said. Michael almost looked surprised, then unashamedly proud of himself thinking he'd finally worn Castiel down. "I don't think what Lucifer is doing is right but that doesn't mean you're right either."

"You have to pick a side, Castiel. That is how wars work," Michael reasoned but Castiel simply shook his head.

"The two of you have been so dead set on this battle for so long that you can't see any side other side of it." Castiel's jaw clenched as he looked at Michael, he could tell that his brother just didn't understand. Castiel was practically talking to a brick wall. "Lucifer doesn't want to fight you."

Michael snorted. "Don't tell me you've bought into his 'poor me' routine."

"He will though, if he has too, because he has something to prove just as much as you do. It doesn't have to be that way though, if the two of you just-"

"Enough," Michael silenced him. "We're done discussing this."

"So you'll die in a battle that might not even be what father really wanted?"

"I won't be the one losing, little brother."

"You'll be dead either way." Michael's brow furrows, he looked at Castiel like he'd finally lost it cooped up where Lucifer was hiding him. One thing Castiel had learned in the time he spent among Lucifer and Michael was that they both had tunnel vision when it came each other. Michael spoke about orders but the only thing he could see was the supposed wrong Lucifer had done to him personally when he rebelled. All the rest of heaven and earth be damned, the worst thing Lucifer had ever done was disobey Michael.

Yet Lucifer wasn't much better, his wounds still fresh from Michael's betrayal and littered with battle scars from his time in the cage. Lucifer had only ever asked one thing of Michael and had been rewarded with an indefinite stay in the deepest bowels of hell. Castiel didn't know what must have cut deeper; Michael's absolute refusal to listen to Lucifer or the fearsome anger he was struck down with. Both felt betrayed, that the other had turned their back on family and it seemed both were willing to die to prove their point.

Castiel wasn't sure one could live without the other.

"He turned against us Castiel, now he's trying to get you to do the same. Can't you see that?" Michael put his hand on top of Castiel's. "Being with him can only lead to suffering.

"That isn't the point."

"Then what is?" He asked frustratingly.

"That he lets me make the choice." Castiel stood up and looked up to the sky, a soft mix of blue and white. Castiel felt a twinge of longing for the real place and wondered if he'd ever return to heaven. "I'd like to wake up now."

He received no reply and when he turned back around, Michael stood not an inch from him, eyes cold and dark and suddenly they weren't two brothers talking but an archangel standing in front of a spec of dust. "I have to agree with you on one thing though."

Castiel forced himself to stand firm and not back down, this was a dream and Michael could do little to him there. Eventually he'd wake up and it would all be over. "And what is that?"

"I don't have a need for your." Michael seemed to tower over him, he could feel the wave of power that radiated off him but he quietly reminded himself that none of it was real. "Which means I have no reason to keep you alive."

"Michael," Castiel's voice waivered against his will. Michael raised his left hand and Castiel prepared himself to be struck, unsure how much pain you could feel in a dream. When Michael's long fingers snapped Castiel was surprised to feel nothing but instead he heard a sick crunch. He looked over his shoulder at the twitching body that laid by the bushes, neck twisted into a bizarre angle and his kite slowly fluttered to the ground still beyond his reach. Stomach pulling in nausea, Castiel squeezed his eyes shut, knowing the man was in heaven and everything here was Michael's sick illusion but still the image stayed with him like the photographs were glued to his eyes.

Michael clicked his tongue and a hand wrapped around the back of Castiel's neck. He tried to keep his feet in place but Michael was too strong and forced him forward. "I could have saved you."

"Stop," Castiel bit out.

"If you had just listened," Michael growled. He roughly gripped Castiel's jaw and forced him to look at the body of a man he'd been watching for decades. "None of this needed to happen."

"This isn't real." Castiel cried out when he was suddenly tossed to the side and collided with an old pine tree. Before he had a chance to scramble to his feet, Michael had yanked him up and with one hand had him pinned against the tree.

"Yet you still look so terrified." Michael lifted him up till his feet dangled off the ground. "I've given you so many chances."

"It doesn't have to be like this," Castiel tried to reason with Michael. It only took one look to see that Michael wouldn't listen, the frantic twinge in his eyes told Castiel everything he needed to know. It had never been about Castiel, not really, he was just some surrogate for everything Michael had buried deep inside centuries ago. Castiel was the rebellious younger brother that Michael could rescue, one that was supposed to listen and follow orders. A testament that what had happened with Lucifer wasn't Michael fault, his little brother was just unreachable.

Now all those hopes Michael had had were unravelling all over again.

When Michael raised his hand against him, Castiel instinctively reached out to stop him and wrapped his fingers around his wrist. A futile effort against an archangel yet it still made Michael freeze. There was a tense, silent moment where Castiel wondered what Michael was going to do; expecting curses and violence but not the sudden press of lips against his.

It was Castiel's turn to freeze,

Michael pulled away like he'd been burned, eyes wide with shock and the anger that had been so intense mere seconds before melted away like hot wax. "I…"

Castiel, equally as shocked, reached up to touch his still warm mouth with hesitant fingers. Michael's eyes flashed with many thing; confusion, pain, longing and just like a young child unable to deal with such strong emotions it all quickly devolved into frustration and rage. Michael opened his mouth to speak but his fury shook any words out from his mind. Instead an almost growl tore out from his throat, rough and primal, and Castiel barely had time to blink before Michael slammed his fist into the space mere inches from his head.

Castiel didn't know if his anger was directed at himself or Michael but he certainly didn't want to be there to find out. Michael didn't move again just stood there glaring at Castiel with smouldering eyes. In that time Castiel's mind went through every possible thing Michael could do to him before Lucifer woke him up, each one more terrifying and gruesome then the last. When Castiel's thoughts had reached a peak of panic, Michael shook his head as if to clear his thought and snapped his fingers.

It made Castiel scream out but when everything was suddenly it back. His stunned mind took time to process that the blackness was from the lack of light in his bedroom. His eyes adjusted and he found himself back in bed, Lucifer beside him trying to ask what was wrong.

"You- you said he wouldn't be able to do that again," Castiel gasped out. Lucifer hovered by his side, unsure if he should give Castiel space or offer comfort and chose to simply lay the blanket around his shoulders.

"I don't know how that happened." Castiel placed a hand over his raising heart, trying to will it back to a normal pace. "Are you all right?"

Castiel gave Lucifer a sour look, thinking that the answer should have been obvious. Lucifer looked at him with genuine, even remorse for having failed to protect him which was something totally foreign to Castiel, no one cared what happened to a replacable soldier. He could tell that the distance Lucifer kept between them was out of fear, as if worried Castiel would suddenly turn on him the first time something goes wrong. Castiel harsh expression softened and he leaned forward till his fore head rested against Lucifer's shoulder and he wrapped his arms around him, a few seconds later Lucifer cautiously returned the embrace. "I am fine."

Lucifer's hold tightened around Castiel and he buried his nose into his bed rumbled hair, murmuring softly into it, "I'm sorry."

Castiel nodded and shuffled himself till he was in his brother's lap. He didn't take the words lightly, he was sure it wasn't something Lucifer often said. "It was just a dream."

_*It's wrong what they say about the past, I've learned, about how you can bury it. Because the past claws its way out*_

Castiel awoke to an empty bed, no sign that anyone had been then the night before. Really it was amazing that Castiel had fallen back asleep at all. He didn't remember drifting off but he was still so tired and Lucifer had been so warm that his body must have finally just given out.

Castiel picked his clothes up off of the ground and dressed. He could smell lunch being cooked downstairs and realized he must had slept in later then usual. With the sun so bright it was hard to not look at the day with renewed vigour, despite his run in with Michael. At the very least he knew Lucifer could keep him safe from any real harm and a few nightmares was worth being to remain in the cottage tucked somewhere in the woods.

"I'm making grilled cheese, best thing you'll ever taste," Meg told him cheerfully when he walked into the kitchen.

"Where's Lucifer?" Meg's smile twitched at Castile's question but quickly recovered and she shrugged.

"Gone." Meg flipped the sandwich and pressed it down, the pan hissed and little drops of butter flew onto her hand.

"Where?" Castiel asked sitting down at the table, he grabbed the remote and muted the television that neither of them were going to bother watching.

"Didn't tell me," she answered curtly, her entire focus on the greasy sandwich she would never eat.

Castiel found it strange that Lucifer wouldn't have told either of them where he was going but he brushed it off. Meg clearly wasn't in the mood to discuss it but Castiel couldn't help but ask, "when will he return?"

"A few days I guess," she muttered. She turned the pan over and the sandwich flopped onto the plate she held. She used the spatula to cut the bread in two and gave Castiel the plate along with a weak smile. "It tastes better when they're cut into triangles."

He nodded, though he was sure the taste wasn't affected by the manner in which it was cut. Meg sat down next to him and he gave her the remote, she mindlessly flipped through the channels while he ate. Far too lost in his own thoughts Castiel barely tasted the sandwich, he kept wandering back to last night and how a quite morning had turned into such a frantic night. He was sure Meg had an idea what had happened, most of it at least, but he was sure that that wasn't what had her so on edge. Obviously she was keeping something from him, he could guess it had to do with where Lucifer had run off to but Castiel decided he would stand to wait a few days.

But Lucifer didn't return the next day, or the day after, or even by the end of the week. By the time day nine rolled around Castiel started to worry, by day thirteen he was panicking.

"Castiel, don't worry about it," Meg sighed. She stacked up the books that Castiel had left to lie all over the small desk.

"Just tell me where he is." Castiel grabbed the books from her arms and set them back down, removing any distractions that came between him and the answers he wanted.

"He's fighting a war, it's not like he just stays in one place," she snapped.

"Meg I am ordering you to tell me where he is,"

"Oh? You are?" Meg perked up "Well, that changes things then. Why don't I just go call you a limo and we'll drive you straight to him."

"You're being rude," Castiel retorted for lack of anything else to say

"Just let it go, Cas. He'll be back any day now."

He wasn't. Eventually even Meg couldn't hold back her worry anymore, Castiel could see the doubt in her eyes but everyday she just told him to be patient. It frustrated him to no end that Meg acted so calm when she was just as worried as he was only she was better at hiding it.

He finished the last book on the shelf, convinced that when that's done Lucifer would return, at least send word that he's alive. When that doesn't happen he starts over from the beginning, just the way he started with Withering Heights and continuing till he reached that Canadian book that seemed to mock him with it's one well placed sentence "_In this world you've just got to hope for the best and prepare for the worst and take whatever God sends._". Castiel tore the page out and the next one and the next one after that, before he knew it Meg was taking a gutted book from his hands while bits of paper settled on the ground.

"You don't want him coming home to a mess," Meg softly told him.

Castiel dropped his head down to his hands, his fingers dug into his scalp and he let out a defeat sigh. "It's been a month."

"I know."

"Would you tell me if something had happened?" Castiel asked peaking up through his fingers.

"Of course I would." Meg sat down next to him and started to sweep the torn paper into a pile. Castiel looked down at it remorsefully; it had been a good book that he'd completely ruined in a fit of anger. They sat in tense silence while Meg cleaned up his mess, there was nothing but the tiny tweets of birds and the musty smell the old torn book left behind. When all the paper had been stacked together, a paper pyramid that looked like it might collapse any second, Meg broke the heavy lull. "I don't know where he is."

Castiel slowly nodded. "I understand."

"I can find out though," she told him, looking out the window at the sorely setting sun. "I'll leave in the morning."

"Without me?"

"You know you can't go outside, sunshine," Meg gave him an out of sorts smile.

"You'll just leave me here then?" Castiel frowned.

"There's food in the fridge and cable on the TV. You'll be fine," She assured him. She rose to her feet brushed off bits of paper that had fallen on her. "I won't be gone long."

"You'll come back?" He asked like he didn't completely believe her.

"Hell hounds couldn't keep me away," she winked at him and offered her hand to help him up. "You should try and get some sleep."

Castiel nodded, he wanted to argue but he could feel the weariness all the down to his bones. Meg left him to get ready for bed and he kneeled down to pick up the paper pile. It didn't seem right to just throw it all away in the trash so he left it on the table next to his stack of Dickens books. Castiel drudged over to his bed, not bothering to pull back the covers before he collapsed on the soft mattress. He lied to himself and said everything was going to be okay.

_*But life is change, that is how it differs from rocks, change is its very nature.*_

Meg was gone when Castiel woke up. He tried to not let it bother him, he distracted himself making a subpar lunch and cleaning around the house. The place was hardly lived so there wasn't much that needed to be done but he just copied what he had seen Meg do before. Sweeping, washing the dishes, he tried cleaning the windows too but just left a streaky mess behind.  
By the afternoon he was back to reading, though his eyes just ran across the page without really seeing any of the words. It was enough of a distraction that it kept him busy till when looked up and the sun had set again. Falling asleep was difficult with the nervous knot tied in his stomach but he calmed himself with the hope that Meg would be there when he woke up.

So it was more then a little disappointing when he woke up along for a second time. As if reliving the past month all over again he now worried about Lucifer and Meg. Each second ticked by like an hour and Castiel spent most of the day just staring at the clock hands as they moved. It felt like he was going insane, there only seemed to exist him and that tiny clock that counted the minutes it took for Castiel to finally crack.

A few nights later Castiel found himself hovering by the front door. Sweaty, nervous hands held the handle in a death grip and Castiel wrestled with himself what his options where. He looked around the room, at walls that where painted with seals his mortal eyes couldn't see. Inside that house he was safe, no one could find him but at the same time he was completely alone in there. It had been over a month since he'd last seen Lucifer, a week since Meg. He didn't know if something was waiting for them, picking them off one by one when they stepped out of the safety of the cottage or if the two had just forgotten about them.

Castiel shook his head, banishing the thought as soon as it popped up, Knowing Lucifer wouldn't just abandon him though only left one real possibility, that something had happened and Castiel could very well spend the rest of his life waiting in that house for a ghost. He took a deep steady breath to try and calm him before he slowly twisted the handle. He was not going to waiting any more.

A cool breeze hit him when he stepped out, the forest around him didn't seem to notice his presence at all. His first few steps were cautious, expecting an ambush might just jump him at any moment. Luckily it didn't.

It was just the one.

"Now I would have thought you'd be smarter then this."


	5. Chapter 5

_Wow sorry, totally thought I had posted this already sorry to make you all wait so long :c. Well this is the last chapter! It was written for the Angelcest Big Bang '13 and you can find the art here: . . I have it posted at Ao3 and LJ, under the same name and when I have a little spare time ill be posting a list of the quotes used in the story with the authors, probably on tumblr and LJ, if any of yare wanted to know lol. I'm very happy to have written for this Big Bang because there just isn't enough Casifer out there! Can't wait to write more too! There will be a sequel once I've finished some other projects first, you can follow me on tumblr if you'd like updates on that c:._

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"No," is all that Castiel could manage when he first opened his eyes. The room around him was dim, the walls where lined with deep cracks and the floor covered in rubble. On the far side of the room wings were burned into the wall but the knocked over furniture and debris blocked the view of whoever they belonged to. Castiel's heart froze mid beat, stomach dropped like lead with dread over what could have caused Lucifer's long absence.

"You should have stayed put, little brother." A hand was laid on his shoulder, smaller then what he was expecting, he turned to find a blond haired boy in place of the dark John Winchester yet he knew instantly it was still Michael. "I had left John, expecting Dean to replace him but found this one here instead. Tiny thing, but he'll do."

Castiel pushed him away and ran over to the dead angel, half of him not wanting to see whoever lied there. He nearly collapsed when he saw the black suit and white hair, relief flooded through him and he sagged against the splintered wall. Castiel rubbed a hand over his tired eyes and was close to laughter with the sudden elevation from panic when he heard Michael's heavy footsteps stop next to him. "What happened?"

"Zachariah," Michael leaned up against the wall and gave the angel's body a disappointed look, "his assignment proved too much for him."

"And Lucifer?"

"Oh, lost him have you?" Michael raised his brow with mocked sympathy. "He is so fickle, isn't he?"

"He's not with you," Castiel breathed. He inwardly chastised himself for being so stupid, he should have waited longer, and at the same time he was relived to know that where ever Lucifer was at least he was safe.

"I've been thinking," Michael started and Castiel knew that wasn't a good sign. "Do you know what my mistake was?"

"I'd find it difficult to only pick one."

Michael dropped down to one knee and looked Castiel dead in the eye. "My mistake was keeping you here."

He twirled a finger in the air and looked up to the decrypted ceiling, Castiel followed his gaze and looked up. "You could have picked better scenery."

Michael laughed, it sounded too deep to be coming from such a small body. "Keeping you here on earth, that was the problem. No matter where I put you Lucifer will find you, this whole place is a sick testament of how capable he is of destroying everything in sight. No, this time I'll have to hide you somewhere even he can't reach."

It all suddenly clicked together and Castiel's blood ran cold but Michael already had his hand wrapped tight against his throat. The archangel stood and dragged Castiel up with him, he tried to claw at Michael's hand but it was like a mouse against a lion. "I have just the place for you too."

"I can't-" Castiel wheezed out as his desperate lungs tried to suck in air.

"You should be thanking me really, I'm taking you home." Michael's hold on him lessened just a fraction but it was enough for Castiel to gasp in a breath. "Honestly I think this is you only chance of seeing heaven ever again."

"Brother, listen to me-"

"That is getting very old." Michael's thumb jutted out, pushed against the bottom of Castiel's jaw and forced his head to the side. There was probably some humour in the fact that an archangel couldn't look him in the eye when he killed him but it was lost on Castiel just like his oxygen supply was. "It doesn't have to hurt, I'll do it quick. Then I'll take you back home where Lucifer won't be able to find you even if he spends the rest of eternity looking."

His vision started bleed black around the edges and Castiel thought that it most certainly did hurt, his lungs felt like molten metal and the muscles in his neck contracted painfully as it tried to fight against the lack of breath. The hands that had been trying so desperately to loosen Michael's iron grip slowly lost their grip till he was just weakly holding on. Michael leaned in, lips against Castiel ear and shushed him like he was trying to lull in to sleep instead of death. "Sh, the more you fight it the longer it takes."

Numbness began to creep in, starting at his fingers and toes then slowly crept up the rest of him. Castiel acted without thinking, it was like one second everything was dark and the next his neck was stretched out at an awkward angle and his lips softly pressed against his older brother's. It was barely a kiss, they were barely touching, Castiel just didn't have the strength to do anything more but Michael hand dropped down and air flooded back into Castiel's body.

Castiel started coughing as his body struggled to breathe through the painful ache in his neck. He fell forward right into Michael who didn't move to catch him but Castiel clung to him regardless. His body still felt like goo and if it weren't for Michael's body giving him purchase his legs would have given out against his weight. For now Castiel just focused on breathing till his brain began to function properly again.

Michael of course had other ideas; while Castiel's head was still spinning Michael had him pinned against the wall a second time. This one was different than the other two, it wasn't a spur of the moment, barely there kiss, Michael knew exactly what he wanted and went for it. Castiel wasn't even fully aware what was happening till teeth bit down on his lip. Castiel yelped against Michael's mouth and the angel used that as a chance to deepen the kiss and pull Castiel close against him. He curled his fingers in Castiel's hair and tugged, making Castiel expose his neck to him. Michael attacked his neck, what could have been gentle pecks felt like fire against the bruise forming on Castiel's neck and he hissed in pain.

A cough sounded beside them and Michael jumped back from Castiel, suddenly snapping back to his senses. Another angel looked at them in a mix between embarrassment and shock, Michael marched towards her, grabbed her arm and hissed, "what are you doing here?"

"You said-" she wasn't given a chance to finish before Michael flew them away, leaving Castiel alone in the destroyed room.

Collapsing to ground, he gingerly touched his fingertips to his neck and flinched at the pain radiating from the tender flesh. He knew better than to try and break out, so he waited till he'd finally stopped wheezing and then made his way to the couch. He didn't get more than a few steps when a hand was slapped over his mouth, he cried out against it and struggled even though he knew that never helped. In an eye blink the scenery changed, one second he was still in the Green Room and the next he was back in the little cottage.

He was immediately let go by the one that brought him there and he let out a sigh of relief that Lucifer had managed to get him out so quickly. Turning around though shattered what should have been a happy reunion.

"Sam," Castiel didn't say it as a question, he knew it was Lucifer standing in front of him. It was pure disbelief that Sam had agreed to this, that Lucifer wanted it, Castiel was sure that he would be able to get through to Lucifer even if Michael remand firm.

"I told you to stay here," Lucifer mumbled sounding so tired that Castiel had a hard time staying mad at him. Lucifer eyes darkened when they found his neck, he didn't say anything just gently put his hand over the bruise. His new vessel's hand completely covered Michael's now tiny hand print, an icy wave flowed of Lucifer and through Castiel, fixing the dark mark on his skin. It wasn't so easy to remove the feeling of Michael's fingers squeezing the air from him or the still real terror that Michael would have gone through with killing him.

Really Castiel just wanted to wrap his arms around Lucifer and sleep for the next hundred years, forgetting everything else that laid beyond the blankets. But Sam stood in front of him and he knew exactly what that meant. "You're not really going through with this are you?"

"We talked about this."

"This is insane."

"I can stop him."

"You can't, he won't listen."

"Then I'll finish what he starts."

"You can't kill him, Lucifer." Castiel grabbed Lucifer's arm but he just pushed Castiel away.

"Of course I can."

"No, you can't." Castiel grabbed his face between his hands and forced Lucifer to look at him. "He's your brother."

"Castiel, I don't want you to think that these last few months didn't mean something." Castiel surged forward, practically clinging to Lucifer and for one brief second he thought everything was going to be okay. "It doesn't change anything."

"Lucifer, please."

"You're to stay here," Lucifer ordered, grabbing Castiel's shoulders and guiding him over to the bed. Castiel tried to pull out of his hold and Lucifer let him even though his eyes held nothing but irritation at Castiel refusal to just do what he said.

"Or you'll do what?" Castiel asked defiantly. "What are you willing to give up to win this?"

"Don't test me," Lucifer spat out, fed up with listening to Castiel. "Castiel if you're there tomorrow-"

Lucifer swallowed whatever words he was going say, Castiel saw his jaw clench unable to bring himself to say what he felt needed to be said. Castiel knew he was trying to scare him off, didn't want him to somehow find his way to the battleground and be one of the millions caught in the crossfire. It didn't make it hurt any less to be threatened by him, to have to stare back at those dead eyes.

"You really think you mean more to me then Michael?" Castiel flinched at his word and stepped back, Lucifer cupped Castiel's cheek and ran his thumb below his eye, catching the tiny tear that that spilled from it "If I see you there tomorrow, I will kill you."

"Lucifer." Castiel leaned up on his toes, in a last ditch effort to keep Lucifer there with him, he just needed to delay him a few moments and he was so sure he could get him to listen. None of it this could really be happening, any moment Lucifer would realize he couldn't go through with it, he had to. Castiel believed that his brother was better than that. Sam was so much taller than Nick had been, he tried to grab Lucifer's shoulder for support but he was already gone. Castiel was left grasping at thin air and chocking back a broken sob. But he wasn't left alone for long, seconds later a flutter of wings sounded behind him. Castiel doubted that Lucifer and Michael jsut happened to only find him once the other had left, no, they were watching the whole time but avoided eachother. That was the whole point really, the didn't have to fight until the other made a stand and as long as they were never in the same room.

"That was touching." Castiel spun around, blood boiling and tears streamed down his face, he was caught somewhere between furry and desperation. "Do you see now? That you can't reach him, no one can. Lucifer has only ever cared about himself, one little night with you isn't going to change any of that."

Castiel turned away and swiped the back of his hand across his wet eyes. He marched over to the bed and curled up on it, back turned to Michael, he tried to melt into the bed and disappear. "Nothing to say? That is a first."

"I'm done," Castiel growled into this pillow.

"Poor Castiel, everyone's left you all alone."

"Go away." The bed dipped down next to Castiel, Michael sat down and brushed strangs of his hair back behind his ear. Castiel was just too tired to push him away anymore. He leaned down until Castiel could feel his hot breath against his cheek.

"You're right you know," Michael breathed into his ear. "I don't want to kill him."

Castiel twisted around to look at Michael, sure he must have heard him wrong. There wasn't any anger held in Michael's eyes, not the usual arrogance, just deep, piercing sorrow. It must have only just hit Michael what the consequences of facing his brother on the battlefield would be. Castiel saw the doubt in his eyes, even while he believed that what he was doing was right he still couldn't handle the thought of killing Lucifer.

"Don't go," Castiel begged, taking Michael's hand in his and squeezing. He could use Michael's unusual moment of weakness to his advantage, he could keep him from Lucifer, he told himself if he could just delay them a little longer one would back down. He just needed more time. "Stay with me."

Michael let out a bitter laugh and pried his hand free from Castiel's, instantly seeing right through his little brother. "Unfortunately, you're right about something else too."

Michael raised his hand to Castiel's forehead and he jerked back in an effort to avoid it. "Michael, wait."

"Neither of us will walk away from this battle."

Michael's fingers had barely grazed Castiel skin when he was sent away, dropped off in some trashy junk yard. A scream ripped out of his throat and he pounded his fists against the grainy dirty, leaving a patch of blood behind. He yelled and begged, kicked the beat up cars around him, threw anything he was able to get his hands on.

Dean greeted Castiel with a swift punch that sent him flying back onto the gravel.

There was a gun in his face before he could say anything.

"Move and I blow your brains out."

"Lucifer has Sam," Castiel blurted out. A voice in the back of his head whispered that Dean should just finish it, no one would notice, he's been useless since he was brought back.

Dean didn't waiver, "I know."

"You know?" Castiel asked. "Then why aren't you doing anything about it!"

"Hold up, I think maybe you should be answering some questions first." Dean lowered his gun, just a fraction. "Where the hell have you been? We thought you were dead."

"I was." Castiel climbed to his feet and wiped his bloody hands on his shirt.

"Great, guess that covers everything." Dean raised the gun back up but Castiel didn't have time to deal with Dean.

"I know where they are."

"You do?" Dean asked

"Well, I know who will." Castiel walked past Dean, he needed to find Chuck. "Are you coming?"

Dean stared at him; Castiel thought he might try to argue but for once Dean just shut up and nodded.

"I'm driving."

_*One hour of right down love is worth an age of dully living on*_

Dying didn't hurt so much the second time; it was a type of pain you could get used to. It was waking up that couldn't compare to a thousand deaths. Up until Lucifer snapped his fingers, Castiel had firmly believed he wouldn't go through with it, but he had, Lucifer had kept his word and killed Castiel. That single fact hurt more than Castiel thought was humanly possible. Yet there was still so much more to come. Castiel looked around the field, it all seemed so calm and peaceful yet neither Lucifer or Michael where there. Another wave of sorrow hit him when Castiel realized that Lucifer was gone, whatever Dean had done worked just not in the way Castiel had wanted.

Something flowed inside him alongside the pain, something warm and familiar; Castiel almost didn't recognize the grace that coursed through his veins. He staggered to his feet and stumbled across the field, not sparing even a glance at Bobby when he reached down to fix his fractured neck.

Castiel spotted Dean on the other side of the field looking just as shattered as Castiel, both inside and out. He walked slowly to the hunter, mind spinning with what he could possibly say to him, he had been the one to convince Dean to come here and neither Sam nor Lucifer had been saved.

Dean didn't know about him and Lucifer, Castiel wouldn't even know how to explain it. Dean wouldn't ever understand, Castiel barely understood it, Lucifer had stripped away what heaven had drilled into him for millenniums. For now all Castiel could do was hold it together long enough to send the two hunters off.

He watched Dean and Bobby climb into the impala and drive off. Castiel was left to watch the small patch of grass that had been a gate to hell not long ago. Not a blade of grass was out of place, if someone walked by at that very moment they would have had no idea what just happened there. It just seemed so unfair that someone so important could disappear without a trace and no would ever know.

The most painful thing Lucifer had ever given Castiel was choice. It had seemed so appealing before and now Castiel felt nothing but an endless aching through his core. He dropped to his knees and grabbed a handful of that perfect grass; he used the last of his strength to keep from breaking out in sobs.

Somewhere in the distance Dean was going to find Lisa.

Castiel had lost the only thing that ever mattered.

_*And thus the heart will break, yet brokenly live on*_


End file.
